Snape & the Terrible,Horrible,No Good,Very Bad Day
by HalfBloodPrincesa
Summary: CRACK!FIC! This story was a joint project. The writers are Lady Lanera, Dream Painter, HalfBloodPrincesa, Wands, autumnamberleaves,and DaughterOfAres. This is our take on what would have happened in GOF if Snape fell off the ladder in his store room.


Authors: 

Lady Lanera: www. fanfiction .net/u/2045362 www. potionsandsnitches .?uid=3806

DaughterOfAres:www. fanfiction .net/u/1198603/ www. potionsandsnitches .?uid=1412

autumnamberleaves: www. fanfiction .net/u/1472243/ www. potionsandsnitches .?uid=3382

Wands: www. potionsandsnitches .?uid=3674

Dream Painter: www. fanfiction .net/u/928004 www. potionsandsnitches .?uid=3753

HalfBloodPrincesa: www. fanfiction .net/u/2149113/HalfBloodPrincesa www. potionsandsnitches .?uid=4176

**AN: THIS IS A CRACK!FIC! This is a very special collaboration that was written in the chatroom at Potions and Snitches. Why is it so special? It is the inaugural collaboration of"The LitterBox." I included the links for each author, so please check out their other stories. They are each very amazing. Lady Lanera had the idea and asked "What if?" Before we knew it, the entire chatroom was giving suggestions and this is the final result. It is not canon, and ooc-ness abounds. This is meant as a JOKE! If you don't have a sense of humor, only like strict canon fics, etc, THIS FIC IS NOT FOR YOU! Please don't read and flame because "this could never happen." In fact, please don't flame at all! Be warned any flamers will be put on blast! And without further adieu, we present: Severus Snape and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.**

Getting up that morning, Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, just knew it was going to be a bad day. First, the idiot house elves decided to clean his rooms at two in the morning when he was trying to sleep for the first time in weeks. Then there was the fact that he had to sit next to the latest victim of the cursed Defense against the Dark Arts position during breakfast. He swore if that crazy ex-Auror Mad-Eye Moody made another pointed jab about him being a former Death Eater at breakfast then he was going to give the damn man something to be paranoid over one of these days.

Later, walking to one of his many private stores of rare potion ingredients for Phoenix Tears, Snape took at least 200 points from every House that he came across, except Slytherin of course. After idiot house elves who can't tell time, a paranoid ex-Auror who is going to need to be paranoid soon with those blatant remarks in front of Snape's coworkers, and an evil Durmstrang headmaster who is the biggest coward of all, who could blame Snape for being a bit cranky. All the point deductions were really helping his mood, though. Sometimes he really loved his job.

Waving his hand absentmindedly at the hidden door, Snape walked into his private store. However, muttering outside of the door a few seconds later made him turn around and walk back towards it. He glanced out and practically became giddy when he caught Potter lurking outside.

"Mr. Potter, out taking a little stroll, are we? It seems to be a little early for you to be out. After all, I know how much you enjoy your 'after curfew adventures.' Just like your father," Snape sneered. Snape's eyes glinted when he saw Potter swallow. And to his joy, sweat seemed to build on the young Gryffindor's forehead.

"No, sir, I was, er, sleepwalking," the boy lied.

"Ten points, Mr. Potter, for your pathetic attempt at lying." Snape smirked as he saw Potter's face redden with ill-concealed anger.

"That's not fair, Snape. Your precious Slytherins lie all the time, and you never take points! A point for this, a point for that. What does it matter what it's for? You always lop them off Gryffindor!"

"Perhaps, Mr. Potter, that will encourage you to tell the truth if for no other reason than winning the house cup. Never mind the fact that Dumbledore seems to find a way to award it to Gryffindor."

"No."

"No what?"

"When does the truth matter to you? You take points anyway."

"Mr. Potter, I had hoped that you would be above telling falsehoods. Gryffindors are supposed to be noble. Now, do you want it to be twenty for insubordination to a professor, Mr. Potter?" Snape grinned. It was almost too easy to rile up students, namely Gryffindors.

Harry let out a sputter, "Insubordination? That's just plain arbitrary!"

"The Headmaster, Mr. Potter, is arbitrary?"

Harry scowled. "And you're just mean?"

"No matter, Mr. Potter. I do believe I know the reason you are down here despite your attempts at deception. My potions stores are running a little low."

"I…I don't know what you're talking about, Professor."

"Oh, don't you, Potter? Your performance today was extraordinary, especially for a mediocre wizard such as yourself. Gillyweed, am I correct? That would explain why my supply is running low."

"I never took your sodding gillyweed!"

"Ten points, Potter, for your very abysmal grasp of the English language." Snape then graced him with a particularly nasty sneer. "You've never been averse to breaking the rules before. I'm merely surprised it took you this long to work up the gall to steal from me."

"Do you really think I'm that daft?" Harry shook his head. "Never mind. I know that answer." Harry then snorted with a dark amusement. "Oh why don't you just find something to take for thirty points, so you can make it a nice fifty? Then you'll have met your quota for the day."

"Very well, Mr. Potter. Fifteen points for the theft of lacewing flies, and fifteen points for the theft of boomslang skin from my personal stores."

"Ugh, go take a flying leap, Snape."

"I'd advise caution, Potter, unless you want to make it a hundred points? Theft of personal ingredients for a potion found only in the restricted section is a very serious offense!" Snape then smirked. "Five points for an unimaginative insult."

Harry let out a strangled sound of exasperation, "Gah!"

Snape quirked an eyebrow. "As usual, your eloquence is truly awe inspiring, Mr. Potter. Hmm, I do know some rather ingenious tongue sticking curses if you are so inclined. Of course, I also have a tongue loosening potion." Snape smirked, displaying his yellow teeth.

"Oh, just go back to gathering your shampoo ingredients and stop picking on me already!"

Snape rolled his eyes. "Really, Potter? Is that the best you can do? Another five points."

Harry grinned. "What? You mean you get it that greasy without a potion?" he sounded disbelieving.

"Make that ten points," Snape snapped, glaring at the young man in front of him.

For someone who prided himself on his observation skills, Harry thought that Snape was being remarkably slow. He had yet to notice that Peeves had entered at some point and was determinedly messing with ingredients behind Snape.

"Well, how about something for those Hufflepuff looking teeth of yours? Surely, there's a potion that would make them look better…or at least smell better."

Snape sneered with the corner of his mouth rising. "Now how many points do you think that insult is worth, Mr. Potter?"

"Does it even matter with you?"

Snape scoffed, turning to take a step back into the storage room. He scoffed and climbed up the ladder one handed. Peeves flew out silently over his head.

Harry snorted. "Whatever. Watch out for Peeves, sir."

"Peeves, ha, Potter! You are a fool if you think Peeves would have the nerve to mess with a professor." Snape then glanced towards the young Gryffindor with one hand resting on the ladder. "Look at me, Potter, one handed. Bet your stupid father couldn't do this."

"Probably not, sir, but then again my father wasn't a greasy git who only had potion vials for friends. Then again, my father was an award winning Seeker. I'm sure he'd be amazed by your talent."

Snape then felt himself falling in slow motion. Thinking that his day just got that much worse as his nose collided with the hard stone floor, he sighed, resigned that his nose once again was broken.

Harry grinned at the dazed looking man. "Well, if your target was the floor…" Harry said as he raised his wand at Snape.

"Potter, if you even attempt to cast that spell that dunderheaded Lockhart used on your arm in your second year, so help me I will have you expelled."

"Sir, I'm not stupid nor am I that evil to use that spell on anyone that bloody hurt as I was!"

Snape's head felt like it was sliced open as a trickle of something wet ran down his forehead. He ignored it for the time being. After looking around for a moment, he recognized the handiwork of the resident poltergeist all over his stores. "Two hundred points to Gryffindor for Slytherin tactics." Then he realized what he had just done. "Oh, damn!" he cursed. This was simply not his day. Now he'd have to find a way to bring the blasted house down again. Then he saw that the Potter brat had vanished. There went his best chance of point removal. The world sputtered, fading into black. Snape groaned to himself. Now he'd need to make a headache potion on top of everything else.

Harry grinned as he rounded a corner. _I didn't even get detention this time_, he thought. _He really hit his head!_ As he continued to get a bit farther, he felt a little nudge of something. If he was honest with himself, he'd identify it as guilt at leaving his professor hurt, but darn it, Snape deserved it…didn't he? Gah, sometimes he hated being a Gryffindor.

With that, Harry started the long walk up to the Hospital Wing to alert Madam Pomfrey about the injured professor down in the dungeons.

In the end, Harry decided that he could be a noble Gryffindor, but still have fun while he was at it.

"Dobby!" The little house elf materialized out of thin air.

"What can Dobby dos for Master Harry Potter, sir?"

"Dobby, could you help me with something?"

"Certainly, Master Harry Potter, sir, anything for the great Master Harry Potter, sir!"

"Professor Snape had an accident in his private storage room, and I need you to sit with him while I fetch Madam Pomfrey."

"Oh, Master Harry Potter, sir, is such a kind wizard, helping everyone, even those who are mean to Master Harry Potter, sir."

"DOBBY! Please, just…just stay with him. Ok?" The little house elf nodded. "Listen, Dobby. Make sure he doesn't move. I don't know how bad he's hurt. Under no circumstances is he to move. If he tries, immobilize him."

"Yous can trust Dobby, Master Harry Potter sir!"

"Thanks, Dobby!" Harry turned and grinned. An injured Snape versus an overzealous house elf. What he wouldn't give to see a pensieved memory of that. Harry took his sweet time up the stairs only running up the last flight to make it look as though he had run straight from the dungeons. During the entire journey, a voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Hermione scolded him about his untimely arrival at the Hospital Wing.

"Madam Pomfrey!" Harry yelled as he burst through the doors. "Snape fell in his storeroom, and he's hurt real bad."

"Oh my! I told that man over and over again that rickety ladder was an accident waiting to happen. Well, what did he injure?"

"I heard his nose crunch, and he cut his head pretty bad. He's bleeding all over the bloody place. His leg looked sort of weird, too, like it was a pretzel. I had Dobby sit with him so I could get you."

"Why didn't you say that sooner, Mr. Potter? Severus might be convicted of murdering a house elf tonight. To the floo!"

They arrived in the dungeons and were greeted with sounds of an argument.

"Stop this at once, you infernal elf."

"Master Harry Potter Sir said Professor Snape is nots to be moving, sir."

Madam Pomfrey sighed and glanced at Harry.

"Well, Mr. Potter, he doesn't seem to be dying just yet." The matron then glanced at Harry. "Why on Earth didn't you send Dobby to me while you sat with him, though?"

"I'm a professor at this school, you dunderhead, and my orders supersede any students," Snape yelled.

"Uh…I thought, well, you see…" Harry stuttered while trying to come up with a reasonable explanation. "I…I guess I just reacted. It isn't everyday you see your professor a bloody mess."

"Mr. Potter, that doesn't give you the right to leave him there with a house elf. You know how he gets!" Madam Pomfrey snapped, putting her hands on her hips.

"Dammit, you stupid, infernal ELF!" Snape yelled at the top of his lungs.

"I'm sorry, Madam. I was just trying to help."

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions, Mr. Potter."

"Dobby is a free elf Professor Snape Potions master sir. he is not bound to any wizard. Dobby obeys Master Harry Potter sir!

"And Master Harry Potter sir said Professor Snape Potions Master sir is not to move, and so Professor Snape Potions Master sir will not."

"Just wait until I get my hands on Master Harry Potter sir," mocked Snape.

"Now, Severus," Madam Pomfrey said as she walked into the storage room. "That's no way to talk about a student who was trying to save your life."

"That disrespectful, arrogant brat insulted my hygiene, pilfered my private stores. Save my life?" Snape sputtered in outrage. His face started to redden with anger. "He's the reason I'm in this mess!"

"Oh, yes, he always is with you, isn't he, Severus?" patronized Madam Pomfrey, coming to kneel beside Snape. "Now, where are you injured?"

"Where does it look like, Madam?" Snape ground out between clenched teeth. However, Madam Pomfrey was completely unfazed as she ran her wand over Snape's prone form. He owed another life debt to another arrogant Potter. "I can handle it myself," Snape growled, glaring at the mediwitch as he pushed Pomfrey away.

"Of course you can, Severus. However, do tell me just how do you plan on doing that, though?" When he only glared at her, Madam Pomfrey sighed heavily. "Professor, need I remind you that Dobby isn't the only one who can put you into a body bind if you refuse to cooperate? I too can use magical restraint. I'm sure you remember those from your time as a student, and you were a less than model patient."

"I believe Sinistra was more of the less than model patient than I was, and I don't recall you ever using a body bind on her," Snape growled. "Do you reserve that just for your special cases then?"

Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes. "You know that you're all my children, Severus. Not a single one of you is more special than the others…no matter how old you are."

That simple statement from the mediwitch seemed to calm the Potions Master down more than a Calming Draught. Taking a deep breath, he relayed his injuries to her calmly. However, Harry just had to interrupt of course.

"So…can I go now, Madam?" Harry glanced awkwardly between the two adults.

"Hmm…oh, yes, of course, dear," she said having clearly forgotten about the poor Gryffindor. "It is getting close to curfew."

"I'll just be going then."

"Oh, and eighty points to Gryffindor for aiding a seriously injured professor."

Snape's eyes widened as his head whipped towards Madam Pomfrey. She gave POINTS to POTTER! He growled barely controlling himself from reaching across and throttling both of them. Potter nearly killed him and he got points for it? What was this world coming to? Next, Longbottom would be getting points for not killing the entire class on a daily basis. This night was up there as one of the worst nights of Snape's life, and he owed it all to that cheeky brat.

Harry quickly left the dungeons before Snape could remember to assign him a detention or twenty. This night was turning out to be one of the best nights of his life. He insulted Snape, helped Peeves play a joke on the dungeon dweller, held the git hostage with a house elf, and watched Madam Pomfrey scold the overgrown bat like a naughty puppy. The best part was he actually got points for it. Even Hermione never earned that many in one sitting. Oh, Harry couldn't wait to tell Ron and the twins about this night...


End file.
